How To Tell if Different Kinds Of Fruit Are Ripe

It seems like everyone these days has some kind of quick tip for gauging the ripeness of fruit.

Still, billions of shoppers every day find themselves in the produce aisle, ears pressed to cassava melons, grinning like idiots.

Here are some quick tips that will help you decide when to pull the trigger on a perfect peach—and how to avoid blowing your wad on some mealy heirloom pears. 

Banana

Look at the banana: Is it green? That means it’s not ripe yet. How about brown? Oops, that means it’s too ripe. You’re looking for a yellow banana. Yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow. Remember that. It’s your mantra. Now let’s move on to some advanced fruits ….

Orange

This is a trick I learned from my grandmother: There are usually some sample oranges next to the bin. Taste them. Do they taste ripe? If so, ask the guy, “Are the ones in the bin as ripe as the samples?”

If he says, “Yes,” respond with, “Seriously? How do you know?”

There is no way he can know for sure. 

*My grandmother was married five times, two of those times were to the same guy. Incredible.

Strawberry

??

Kiwi

This small fruit has a furry skin and is about the size of a testicle of a King Destroyer Rat.

Carrot

Trick question. Carrots are always ripe. Read my other article: “The Vegetable DaVinci Code” (self-published, 2009). 

Cantaloupe

Smell the cantaloupe by sniffing the whole cantaloupe: press your nose into the cantaloupe’s “asshole” (you will know it when you see it). What does it smell like? Is there a fruit smell coming from the asshole? If “yes,” you are good to go.

Still not sure if you’ve got a ripe fruit? Place two cantaloupes on the ground in the produce aisle. Whistle and say, “Come here, boy!” Whichever one rolls toward you is the male. Kick it in the head (the head = the whole cantaloupe) until it explodes. Does the inside look ripe (as orange as a carrot?). Good. Proceed to check out (the self-checkout with the computers. Don’t go to the real-people aisle because of their attitudes). On your way out, tell the guy with the apron there’s a mop-up needed in Produce.