If you are a pregnant dolphin and have been surfing the Web lately, you may notice a dearth of sites offering information for dolphins interested in human-assisted birth.
Well, you’ve come to the right place!
This is the home page of Krystal and CorkScrew. We are a loving, committed couple of long-snouted spinner dolphins who hail from the beautiful waters near the island of Hawai’i!
We have created this web site as a resource for other dolphins who are interested in human-assisted birth. It’s a natural and safe alternative to open-water dolphin birth, and we hope our story inspires you!
There is nothing more natural than for a dolphin to give birth surrounded by hairless, talking monkeys. Hominids are naturally attracted to dolphins, especially when a pregnant female dolphin flips onto land to deliver her baby. Often, a crowd of humans will instinctively gather around the mother and put her back in the water and then push her snout and blowhole back under the water to transmit a healing message of “go back in there.”
We experienced this firsthand!
After CorkScrew got lost on Krystal’s due date and swam us way the fuck up a freshwater river until our lungs were burning, we were transported by humans to a nearby aquarium called Marine World Africa USA.
Our birthing experience at this facility was relaxing, inspirational and safe. The humans showed great interest in us, fed us a frozen bonita, gave us beach balls, and petted our heads.
Our experience at Marine World was a great contrast to the birthing experience of our dear friend, Lady Skipper, who chose a conventional dolphin birth in the open ocean, only to see her brand-new baby, Hoop Dreams, devoured by Great White sharks.
If Lady Skipper had chosen an alternative, human-assisted birth plan, the humans might have prevented this tragedy by coming up on the shark in a Zodiac raft and firing some explosives at its head or something. (Dolphins still don’t fully understand the mysteries of how humans are able to murder sharks — we just know that it works.)
We dolphins are often praised for our intelligence, but in this day and age we all too often overlook the natural intelligence of homo sapiens. They have wonderful, natural healing powers – and they are so smart that some dolphins believe that humans may be descended from extraterrestrials!
Here’s just one example of the incredible intelligence of the people who assisted with our birth: When there were complications with our delivery, the human veterinarians automatically put our baby in a “neonatal intensive care unit for marine mammals”! That’s the kind of healing instinct that has been lost by a lot of modern dolphins, who are often more caught up with surfing the web than with understanding their great birth traditions.
We urge our fellow dolphins to rethink the conventional open-water birth and consider a human-assisted delivery. Humans are intelligent creatures and natural healers, and they have developed a number of drugs to aid in the birthing process. Let’s reconnect to humans and turn on to some of these drugs, including Diazepam, Valium, marijuana and ecstasy.
Only then we will be able to repair our spaceship and return home once and for all.
Krystal and CorkScrew