Rob Baedeker

The Seagull Effect

“One meteorologist remarked that if [Edward Lorenz’s] theory were correct, one flap of a seagull’s wings could change the course of weather forever. Later speeches and papers by Lorenz used the more poetic butterfly.”

—Wikipedia.com

EXT. - DUMP  - MORNING

Two seagulls stand near a discarded laptop computer.

SEAGULL #1: (reading computer screen) You have got to be kidding me.

SEAGULL #2 (chewing on garbage): Huh?

SEAGULL #1: Did you read this?

SEAGULL #2: I can’t read, man. Can you please lay off me about that?

SEAGULL #1: Sorry. So, I guess the “Butterfly Effect” was originally named after us?

SEAGULL #2: For real? Like “Butterfly Effect” as in the chaos-theory deal-io?

SEAGULL #1: Mmm hmm.

SEAGULL #2:  As in, “A tiny disturbance in the initial conditions of a system” blah blah blah —

SEAGULL #1: Okay. Okay. I get it. You can’t read, but that doesn’t mean you’re stupid.

SEAGULL #2: (tapping own head with his wing). Science.   

SEAGULL #1: I always thought butterflies were kind of pricks.

SEAGULL #2: Huge pricks. I don’t think I’ve met a sober one, first of all.

SEAGULL #1: I know, right?

SEAGULL #2: (does imitation of a zig-zaggy flight path) “I’m a Monarch. Look at me. I don’t need to stay in my lane because I AM WASTED.”

SEAGULL #1: Ha ha! Could there be a LESS poetic species? 

SEAGULL #2: Ha ha ha! I know.

SEAGULL #2: (pointing to computer) Do another search.

SEAGULL #1: (reading screen) Seagull. Seagull. Here we go: There’s a play … a play by a Russian guy … “a major work” … by “one of the greatest writers” …

SEAGULL #2: Nice.

SEAGULL #1: Let’s do another search! Google “cloaca pics”—

SEAGULL #2: Hey, look! That dude is walking back here. The one that dumped all this stuff.  

SEAGULL #1: (dejected) I knew it.

SEAGULL #2: The laptop is in perfect condition. No chance he would not come back for it.

SEAGULL #1: Nothing ever works out for us.

SEAGULL #2: Come on. Let’s get outta here. You wanna go yell?

SEAGULL #1: I don’t know. 

SEAGULL #2: Come on. Let’s go yell our heads off. It’ll feel good. 

SEAGULL #1: OK. 

Meditation Exercise

Close your eyes. Visualize a single point of light. Focus on this single point of light, letting your entire body relax. Samsara. Samsara. Samsara. Sara. Sara. Email Sara back about bookcase for sale on Craigslist. Asking $50, offer $30? Everything’s Negotiable, was a book Ronald mentioned that his dad gave him at a young age; Ronald said it was “hugely influential”; he is good negotiator but also, let’s be honest, an asshole. Do those two things always go hand in hand? Relax the hands, relax the hands, relax the hands. Samsara. Sara. Shia. Sunni. Which ones are the insurgents? Is it “Sunni majority”? Should be a mnemonic device to remember that. Should be a mnemonic device to remember “mnemonic.” Is that ironic? Remember to Google “ironic” and — relax the arms, relax the arms — memorize definition to recite at party in case an asshole such as Ronald starts holding forth on how something is “ironic.” Then –- relax the feet, the feet, the feet — ambush him with definition of “irony” from dictionary.com. Could be a soigné move to attract girls’ attention? Is that a word? Look up soigné, too. Relax the shoulders, the shoulders, breathe deeply. Samsara. Girls: Boockase-Sara could be cute, you never know who you’ll meet on craigslist. And you could see her retelling the story at your engagement party: “The last thing I expected when I listed my bookcase for sale was too meet my soul mate …. !” Relax the neck and shoulders. $40 tops for the bookcase – establish a mental “line in the sand.” Why do they say that? Seems like “line in the sand” is something that would be easily erase-able, like the opposite of an ultimatum. Relax the legs, relax the legs. Breathe in, fuck it, $50 is reasonable price plus factor in the hassle of continuing to shop around. It’s no big deal in the big picture. Samsara. Relax the neck. Plus would be awkward to ask Sara out having just tried to lowball her on bookcase. Remember: everything’s transitory and also can probably resell bookcase later for $50. Relax the eyes. Relax the mind. Breathe. 

Business Ethics: Case Studies

Case Study #1                 

As the senior vice president of a major corporation, you have been charged with overseeing product development for an underwater dynamite ball device that blows up coral reefs and sprays a poison rainbow at flying fish. 

Profits are down by 80%, year to year, and your boss is breathing down your neck whenever the two of you make love in the LaGuardia Airport Hotel, formerly The Wyndham Garden Hotel®. Your boss is formerly a Navy SEAL, and formerly a man and a male model for Timberland® boots.

Some of your direct reports have complained privately to you that your boss, whom we’ll call “Black Donna,” has been making racist comments to them. Donna has confided to you that she is Asian, but she’s asked you not to keep this a secret. You were under the assumption that s/he was Native American.

Ready? Go: ______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

______________________________________.

Case Study #2

You are the head of human resources at a factory that makes duck shirts. You’ve recently fired an employee (whom we’ll call “Deaf Larry”) because he missed several shifts without calling in, and because he did donuts in his Mazda Miata on the frisbee-golf course on the night before Halloween.

Your company’s legal department has presented you with several documents to consider regarding Larry’s termination: It has come to light that, during the Miata incident, Larry was not on the company clock. Moreover, Larry has filed a formal complaint with the police department, contending that he only ate donuts in his car and did not “do” them, and that a meteorite hit the Earth and tore up the turf on the fairway. Larry is also the defendant in a (unrelated) sexual-harassment lawsuit with the zoo.

Now Deaf Larry has applied for a position at another company — your biggest competitor, Señor Quack-N-Pussy — and he’s listed you as a reference.

While you are using the bathroom, Larry text-messages you to say he’s legally retarded, but then his co-workers come to you (while you’re still in the bathroom) to say that Larry may be lying about everything and have a fake birth certificate. 

Remember: you have already terminated Larry. The decision before you now is whether to end your own life.

Y/N

Case Study #3

You recently witnessed an incident that has put you in an ethical pickle. You are the VP of Marketing at a wood company, and last Thursday you saw your boss, Mark, set fire to a cop car. Either it was a regular-size cop car and he was a giant, or he was normal human size and the car was a Matchbox (toy) cop car.

You had been drinking at the time of the incident, but when you returned home you switched to pot for a while and then finished two Sudokus and had three Screaming Orgasms cocktails before falling asleep with your pants on.

When you woke up, on Wednesday, you remembered you had not filed your expense reports for Q4. Now, your company is filing for bankruptcy and allegedly misrepresented its earnings to shareholders. In two million words or less, make an argument for submitting false expenses and donating the check to your favorite charity, Race Rapids, which sends white people on white-water rafting trips with non-whites.      

Our New Hair & Body Care Products

Seaweed Moisturizing Cream

This all-natural hand and face cream restores moisture particles to the skin with a nutrient rich kelp-based colloidal. It’s clinically proven to restore and rejuvenate.

Milkweed Hydrating Shampoo

This weed puts moisture back in your follicles by spraying milk into them, restoring your hair to the way it felt when you were in first grade and fell into a bramble patch and spilled vanilla ice cream in your bangs.

Mondane “Dry Shampoo”

What is a dry shampoo? It’s a kind of powder that you put on your hair to freshen it up on a day when you don’t shower. I honestly had no idea that women use this.

Root Repair Tea Tree Blend Scalp Moisturizer

A lot of you web site readers have been writing in with negative feedback on the product descriptions. I’m doing my best, as Marney is on her honeymoon until the 22^nd and you could say I am doing the company a favor here for no extra pay. Did you think about looking at it more from a “gratitude” POV?  

Oatmeal Fig Shampoo

The real secret to this restorative shampoo is … wait for it – shiitake! but we don’t put that on the main label due to focus groups telling us it makes it sound like there is “shit” in the shampoo. Fair enough.

Shiitake Butt Cleanser

Less of a problem here, obviously.

PANGEA All-in-One Super-Cream

Wouldn’t be a bad idea, IMHO. Something that could take care of skin problems, hair problems and emotional problems all in one smear.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Coconut Body Butter!

Just brainstorming here, guys.

Brazilian Blowout Acai Anti-Frizz

Listen, I think a lot of you could use your time more constructively than by flaming me in the forum or trying to solve your problems with hair products.

And, FYI, yes, I AM aware of my profile at eharmony so please stop sending me screenshots. That’s an old ad that got out there and went viral, and I cannot just magically erase it from the internet. I don’t use styling gel AT ALL anymore, so that pretty much negates your argument. I do still love the book about the gorilla and would be interested to connect with a woman who can appreciate what apes and primates can each us about the human condition.

Brazilian Blowout Acai Anti-Frizz

I am not a wordsmith obviously but as I said, volunteered to keep the products on the site up to date.

Restorative Zombie Salve: Bring Your Hair and your Career and Your Love Life Back from the Dead!

How do you make a “spooky” font on a PC?

Volumizing Vitamin Mons Wash

Let me put my cards on the table: Kristy (yes, you, VP of Marketing Kristy): if you are reading this the actual reason I applied for this internship was a photo and bio I found of you on the NatureSoothe web site. Have you ever been with a 24-year old guy? It’s pretty awesome.

Gingko Biloba Bullshit Balm  

Okey dokey, phone is starting to blow up here, guys. Got a bad feeling about this. It’s been fun. Peace out. 

What’s in your box!

Thank you for supporting sustainable community agriculture. By purchasing a weekly box of produce direct from Blessed Stork Farms, you allow us to run our business using earth-friendly methods and bring nutritious produce to your body, mind and soul.

Here’s some notes on what you’ll find in your Blessed Stork Farms box this week:

• Summer is in golden wane, which would normally mean lots of yummy asparagus! Mixed news this week, though, as some tenacious Root Weevils got into our mulch beds. Field Manager Bohdi says he’ll have it sorted out by early May. So: no asparagus this time around, but we’re substituting a pod of wonderful Caribbean Salt-Cock Corn. It’s a small, dry, hard seed that is absolutely scrumptious fried up in butter with some fiddlehead ferns and tossed with quinoa (be sure to hammer the seeds first)!

•Coyotes came down hard on our apple saplings this summer, so apple lovers will have to rejoice later in the season ;-). (Fingers crossed Bohdi remembers to put up the coyote fence next year! LOL. JK, We all make mistakes, it’s part of this sometimes-smooth-sometimes-bouncy journey we’re all on together, a.k.a life). What you’ll find instead in your box this week instead of apples is a bushel of Jaundice Squash Hair, which some native peoples considered a spiritual/menstrual food. (Note to wheat-allergy folks and men: do not handle the box, as the squash hair is a gluten bomb and a hormonal toxin, believe it or not!)

•Those of you who attended the Solstice Rave at the farm know what a magical experience that was to dance all night with the rhythm of the earth and moon. Ironically, having so many people packed into the North Field for the rave “killed the beets,” literally, so no beets in your box this week. Thanks to many of you who wrote to say how much you enjoyed the impromptu hula-hoop clinic put on that night by our own “Office/Admin Goddess” Seashawna (and, I’m told, “ably assisted” by Bodhi). I could not make it due to a homeopathy-resistant panic attack. Everything happens for a reason!  

•If you keep up with our blog, you know that Carlos has a magic touch with our broccoli patch. Semi- bad news this week, as Bodhi called Carlos a “#u@&!n *@&*r” (even though Carlos is Cuban!) and Bodhi has been placed on administrative leave. Carlos has since been AWOL (understandably!) but took the keys to the organic root-powder that keeps the Poison Dwarf Beetles away, so we wanted to play it safe and not put any broccoli in your boxes! Bummers come in twos, they say, and sure enough Seashawna will no longer be manning the phones, as she and I are taking some “non-optional” time apart due to her being in Saturn Return and having an interest in eating meat and meeting other meat eaters and/or guys with a “better energy.”

• Aloha to Seashawna, who — let’s just put this on the table — got off to a quick start on the newest phase of her journey with our own (ex-) Field Manager, Bodhi. They have apparently bought a commercial beef ranch in Lodi! Good for them, but less so for all ya’ll in the Blessed Stork Community, as the newlyweds helped themselves to a WTF?-sized amount of green onions that were supposed to go in your boxes. Sorry to disappoint all you onion lovers, but it’s turned out to be a blessing in disguise: Yours truly went on a spirit quest and found his totem animal – it’s the Sluice Raven, whose dung can be made into gumballs. Have a couple on me! (they’re the black balls in the wax-paper pouches – don’t eat the red parts!). Being alone in the desert without water can help you acknowledge some faults in other people that you were kind of blind to all along!

That’s about all this week from Blessed Stork Farms, friends! Remember: eating local, seasonal food means being creative and keeping your complaints to a minimum, so practice gratitude and send along your recipes.

One last note is that some bottles got smashed near Bodhi’s donga, so pick through your veggies extra-carefully this week in case there are some Heineken shards that slipped through the cracks on our end. 

Thank you for supporting community organic agriculture!

Ken Coker

p.s. I will be on sabbatical and “unplugged” through the end of the Mayan calendar. Namaste, and good luck! 

How To Tell if Different Kinds Of Fruit Are Ripe

It seems like everyone these days has some kind of quick tip for gauging the ripeness of fruit.

Still, billions of shoppers every day find themselves in the produce aisle, ears pressed to cassava melons, grinning like idiots.

Here are some quick tips that will help you decide when to pull the trigger on a perfect peach—and how to avoid blowing your wad on some mealy heirloom pears. 

Banana

Look at the banana: Is it green? That means it’s not ripe yet. How about brown? Oops, that means it’s too ripe. You’re looking for a yellow banana. Yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow. Remember that. It’s your mantra. Now let’s move on to some advanced fruits ….

Orange

This is a trick I learned from my grandmother: There are usually some sample oranges next to the bin. Taste them. Do they taste ripe? If so, ask the guy, “Are the ones in the bin as ripe as the samples?”

If he says, “Yes,” respond with, “Seriously? How do you know?”

There is no way he can know for sure. 

*My grandmother was married five times, two of those times were to the same guy. Incredible.

Strawberry

??

Kiwi

This small fruit has a furry skin and is about the size of a testicle of a King Destroyer Rat.

Carrot

Trick question. Carrots are always ripe. Read my other article: “The Vegetable DaVinci Code” (self-published, 2009). 

Cantaloupe

Smell the cantaloupe by sniffing the whole cantaloupe: press your nose into the cantaloupe’s “asshole” (you will know it when you see it). What does it smell like? Is there a fruit smell coming from the asshole? If “yes,” you are good to go.

Still not sure if you’ve got a ripe fruit? Place two cantaloupes on the ground in the produce aisle. Whistle and say, “Come here, boy!” Whichever one rolls toward you is the male. Kick it in the head (the head = the whole cantaloupe) until it explodes. Does the inside look ripe (as orange as a carrot?). Good. Proceed to check out (the self-checkout with the computers. Don’t go to the real-people aisle because of their attitudes). On your way out, tell the guy with the apron there’s a mop-up needed in Produce. 

EZ-Laminator450 Users Manual: Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ

Is this the same type of laminator they have at high schools?

Yes! Your I.D. card in high school was probably laminated by a machine very much like this one.

And now the technology has gotten cheap enough that I can laminate stuff at home with this machine?

Yes!

How does it work?

The EZ-Laminator450 is a roll laminator. It presses two hot lamination sheets onto your document. The sheets are sealed with transparent glue. 

What kinds of things can I laminate with the EZ-Laminator450?

A photograph is a great place to start. Lamination will protect your treasured photo from wear and tear.

Can it be a porno photo?

The materials you laminate are completely up to you. The only requirement is that they be less than 9” wide and 1/8” thick.

What about a leaf?

That’s technically possible, but not advisable, as the leaf might crumble and jam the machine.

It didn’t jam the machine. So that’s OK, right?

We strongly suggest you use the EZ-Laminator450 for paper products only.

I laminated a spider, and it worked fine — the spider is flattened and perfectly preserved.

Animals should not be laminated.  

It’d be cool to have a real spider or scorpion laminated IN your driver’s license.

It is against federal law to deface or alter government-issued documents.

Buenos dias, laminated tortilla.

Food should never be laminated.

Lam-a-lam-a ding dong! Ima put my dick in there!

Don’t —

How do I fix a laminator jam :-(?

Open the feeder tray under the main cartridge bay near the heating element. You should see a button there with a red icon showing a man’s penis stuffed into an EZ-Laminator450. That’s the button.

What is chemistry?

I was minding my own business, eating a Santa Fe chicken salad and undressing pedestrians with my eyes on a busy sidewalk in Pasadena, Calif., when the Chair of the Chemistry Department at Cal Tech approached me and asked me to deliver the annual Graige L. Speeman Memorial Lecture in Chemistry. It was 11:50 a.m.., and the lecture was supposed to start at noon! 

My first reaction was to say, “I think you must have mistaken me for someone else — all I know about chemistry is what I learned back in high school.”

But my second reaction was that beggars can’t be choosers: here I was being invited to give a prestigious lecture in a pretty kick-ass subject, and I would have been an idiot to refuse.

I delivered the lecture.

This could happen to anyone, and in case it happens to you, I offer my notes from that momentous day: 

Good morning.  

What is chemistry? Chemistry is the study of atoms, and how molecules work. Molecules are the tiniest part of the universe, not counting atoms. There are supposedly even smaller particles, quarks, but the jury is still out on those.

Imagine the smallest thing your eye can see, such as a miniature golf ball, and then imagine that this ball was a million times smaller. And then push further into your imagination of how small things can be. This will give you some idea of what we’re dealing with. 10 to the negative … what? (Please hold your remarks until the end).

The particles move with incredible speed, sometimes up to the speed of light. Is light made up of atoms? Yes and no. 

What else? Neutrons, protons, and electrons are all swirling around the base station, forming a swirling shape that looks like a computer company’s logo.  

There is space between all of atoms. Nothing is solid, including the ground you’re standing on. This thought can be paralyzing. 

Oh: the Periodic table! All of the elements are on it, arranged in rows. What is an element? Essentially it’s a molecule, but one that has been given special status by the powers that be. It’s very political. Silver, gold, you name it — you would recognize a lot of the elements on the table, but you’d be surprised by a few: Arsenic? You thought that was a poison, right? Answer: it can be both. 

What’s element #1 on the periodic table? Gold? No, it’s most likely water, H20, the building block of life. 

Let’s say you take a normal slice of turkey from the grocery store and cut it in half with some scissors. Now there is an empty space where the scissors cut it. Did the turkey molecules disappear? No, no one can destroy matter, not even Mr. McHollen. It simply goes somewhere else. In this case, the turkey atoms could have been smushed more tightly to nearby turkey molecules, making space for the scissors.

In order to  truly explain what happened, you would have to have the knowledge to make an atomic bomb. “From the tiniest thing, the biggest explosion.” R.I.P. 

Cold fusion? Is basically bullshit. But dare to dream, is the attitude a lot of mavericks take toward it. Best wishes to them.  

Words of wisdom to leave you with? “A body at rest stays at rest.” But now we’re getting into physics. For that, you’ll just have to wait for my next lecture.  

(wait for applause, light a smoke bomb, kick open the exit door) 

Personality Test

 Choose the answer that best describes you.

1. I work best

      a) on my own

      b) in a group

      c) in the sauna

      d) after smoking a little bit of pot

2. When faced with a decision, I am most likely to:

      a) weigh the pros and cons carefully

      b) go with my gut feeling

      c) smoke a little pot and go in the sauna

      d) smoke pot, but bail on the sauna

3. If invited to go skydiving, my most likely response would be:

      a) Yes!

      b) Fuck no!

      c) Is Jenny going?

      d) If Jenny is not going, I will see if she wants to watch from the ground.*

*May bring some buds and my one-hitter in case Jenny wants to smoke.

4. I enjoy throwing parties:

      a) with pot

      b) with booze only

      c) if there’s a chance Jenny will show up

      d) if Jenny has broken up with Dave, or if Dave is not coming

5. A turtle and an ostrich start a cross-country journey through the desert. The turtle drinks a whole bowl of water before he starts, while the ostrich heads off without eating or drinking.

      a) Yes

      b) I already know this one. 

      c) The ostrich gets dehydrated

      d) I am very outgoing, more so with pot.

6. I would describe my personality type as:

      a) Awesome

      b) Negative 100

      c) Better, now that Jenny’s here

      d) glass shards in a burrito

7. If I were in a stressful situation, and marijuana were not available, I would:

      a) go to my emergency stash (in the ceramic rabbit)

      b) call Rick on his pager

      c) chew a hole in my lip

      d) draw a picture of a roller coaster, and then blow my brains out

8. Speaking truthfully, I would say that Mr. Potato Head:

      a) looks like a real person looks

      b) called me a “bitch” on my voicemail

      c) is a butt-sex toy with a face

      d) is my best friend

9. If I’m really on, I can …

      a) bench press 220

      b) come when I want, with as large a load as I want

      c) think of a million-dollar invention

      d) crack up everyone on the couch, even the chicks

10. When Jenny is blowing me off, it is because:

      a) she is more into Dave

      b) I don’t have any pot on me

      c) I am being a dick, talking with a fake Scottish accent

      d) I have mustard in my beard, and some on my shoes, too